Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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