I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
