I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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