he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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