When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
ā€ˇ"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
