@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
