dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
