Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
