I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
