i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
