I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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