My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
