When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
