do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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