K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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