I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
