I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
