I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
