So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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