I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
