Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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