Your face is a jimmy john
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
