bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
