Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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