Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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