Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
