It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
