he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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