I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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