Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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