its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
