I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Help. Why am I so naked?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
