I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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