Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
4 words: hood of his car
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
