i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
