Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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