the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
