Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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