Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
