im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
