drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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