Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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