Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
