Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
