There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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