I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
