I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Having a random hookup so left but love u
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
