Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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