I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
two words: eviction party
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
