I faked an abortion last night.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
