By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
