its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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