Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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