watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
