If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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