he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
two words: eviction party
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
