Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
