We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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