There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
