So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize