just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
