honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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