Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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