I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
