I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
this is an emotional support booty call
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
