i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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